Parenting – Discipline

This article was prompted by a question I received from a reader
Question: My parents used spanking as their main way of punishing me as a child. I am wondering if spanking is really good for children and how my wife and I should discipline our children.

It is very important to develop an overall plan for training your children that includes understanding the benefits of ongoing learning as parents, knowledge of developmental stages, the limitations of age related abilities and the importance of consistent application. It is also very important to build agreement between husband and wife so that you can present a united front to the kids. Having an idea about how to proceed makes all the difference when you are in the heat of the moment, making decisions. Knowing your child’s capacities and limitations allows you to use wisdom as you correct their behavior. In this article, we will discuss the benefits of learning parenting skills, the different stages of human development, age specific capacities and limitations and the importance of consistency.

Parental Responsibility to Train & Discipline

Ephesians 6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

God’s Agents
Parents are God’s responsible agents for raising children. In modern USA, many have delegated this responsibility to the state through public schools and through the church. While a good church offers support for parents through Sunday school programs, responsibility for training children in the Lord remains with parents, especially fathers. Notice that parents are commanded to nourish children up in the discipline and knowledge of the Lord. Many types of knowledge are important for children to become mature adults, but knowledge of the Lord is primary.

Living Examples
Parents train their children in the Lord by teaching them concepts from the bible and then and most importantly by becoming living examples of these concepts in real life. The most effective training mechanism in the parent’s toolbox is the life they live in front of their children. Children pick up on what we believe, our attitudes, what/how we say and how we behave in relationships. What children see from their parents, they will imitate in their own life and often not know why they feel the way they do.

Parenting like God
Finally, parents are responsible to train their children using the same motives and methods that God uses to train His children. He trains and disciplines in love, always for the benefit of the child. Every word and act toward your child should be intentional and intended to edify him/her in the Lord. The previous article “Grace Parenting” deals with this concept in full.

In order to train our children effectively, we must learn how and why and when to use different levels of discipline.

Benefits of Learning to Parent
Knowledge is power and knowledge about parenting gives us the power to feel confident about decisions that we make as parents. Most of us as parents don’t need radical change, just the chance to see the situation differently, from God’s perspective based on accurate knowledge of the word. Parents need the Holy Spirit to be their coach who can provide knowledge and encouragement. As we learn about children and parenting principles we are able to
a. Gain skills and knowledge that enable us to formulate an overall plan.
b. Able to face normal changes with confidence and flexibility based on knowledge.
c. Able to discern our child’s needs based on their present stage of life.
d. Know our child’s abilities and limits of understanding in different developmental stages so that we can have realistic expectations and use age appropriate interventions.
e. Recognize the importance of being consistent in the way we apply rules and boundaries to help our children develop good habits of behavior.

Parenting Manual
Children don’t come with a manual so we have to find help from the accumulated wisdom of those who have come before. I encourage you to continue reading your bible and learning from Christian classes on parenting so that you can offer your children the best opportunity to grow into strong and healthy adults.

Marriage In Parenting
Another critical issue in parenting is the status of the marriage. As a rule, happy marriages produce healthy children. A happy marriage is not one without conflict but one where normal conflicts are managed, resolved and used for growth. When dealing with children, a united front where both parents say the same thing and work in unison is critical. A united front lends credibility to the ideas being presented and hinders the children from being able to divide and conquer parental authority. Children feel more secure when parents work well together and agree with one another about discipline issues. When both parents understand the development of their children, they can use accurate information to craft effective training methods.

Egocentrism
Another important piece of information about your child is the concept of egocentrism. All children are egocentric, which means that they are only able to think about themselves and only able to see the world through their own eyes and feelings. To a small child, he is the center of all things and all things truly exist for his pleasure. He/she at these early stages in incapable of experiencing empathy or look at a situation from someone else’s point of view. Egocentrism is more than a choice to be selfish though that is how it appears, it is the incapacity to think beyond their own self. This condition moderates at times and is mostly left behind by growth around the mid-20’s.

Stages of Human Development
Human beings grow and develop in stages from birth all the way to death. Psychologists have studied these stages and have written about the different developmental tasks that challenge us at each stage. The early stages focus on the challenges of physical development and the latter stages emphasize mental development. It is the challenge of these developmental hurdles that motivates us to grow and increase our abilities. The following table describes the different age categories and the abilities children normally possess at these ages.

Age Developmental Tasks & Abilities

0-2 yrs Develop senses & motor skills – sucking, grasping, looking, listening, crawling, walking, comprehension, talking, self-awareness, attachment, trust. Infant uses their senses and motor skills to relate to their world. They begin to develop basic categories of concrete objects in memory (hard, soft, color). Totally egocentric; None or little discipline, only positive reinforcement is effective to motivate.

2-6 yrs Develop symbols & language to understand & relate to the world. All thinking is concrete and the child is not yet capable to conceive in the abstract. Imagination flourishes and language becomes the primary means of influencing their world. Total to mildly egocentric which moderates about age 6; Light and immediate discipline is effective. Spanking with a rolled newspaper or very small switch. The goal is to communicate about behavior not cause great pain.

7-11 yrs Development of logic and examples (parables). Learning about classification of categories & numbers. Mildly egocentric so sharing & sympathy can be taught; Age where planned training & discipline based on rules is effective. Choices & consequences can be used to discipline ie loss of privilege; spanking for rebellion and rejection of authority.

12-Adult Development of abstract thought and hypotheticals. Understanding of ethics, law, morality, social issues, theoretical concepts. Focus on adaptations to society and how the person fits into the world. Able to understand concepts without concrete examples. Egocentrism fades up to mid 20’s; Focus on choices & consequences as the person interacts in relationships. Puberty, sexuality & preparation for marriage. Discipline through consequences; no spanking girls after puberty and boys for rebellion and standing up to authority.

Stages & Hurdles Cause Growth
Humans develop in stages from birth until death. The descriptions and age limits of these stages are generalities and approximations, not absolutes. Each stage brings new challenges to overcome and new opportunities for growth. Expanding thinking abilities and building a framework for life is the mission of each stage. As egocentrism (self centeredness) diminishes and the capacity for theoretical thinking increases, children are able to prepare for adulthood with its complex responsibilities.

Age Specific Capacities
Discipline needs to be crafted and aligned with age specific abilities to comprehend and capacity to learn the lesson being taught. Discipline should never be considered as nor called punishment, but as teaching and training to extinguish unhealthy attitudes and behaviors while replacing them with good ideas and behaviors. For example, you can spank a one-year-old over and over for a boundary violation but he is not yet able to understand what you are teaching him. You might even be able to convey the idea of “don’t” but he has not gained a positive perception of his world that helps him make informed choices. Spanking one-year-olds is not an effective means of correction. When he is two or three, spanking has more impact because he is more able to understand the lesson being taught.

Clear Boundaries
Boundaries should be as clear as possible for children, especially in the younger years. Small children are concrete thinkers, meaning that they can only understand something that has a physical example or application. It is not until age 12 + that children gain the capacity for intangible thought. As teenagers, your children are ready to discuss morality and more subtle boundaries related to motives, but not before. Boundaries for small children are made clear by making them physical. For example, “do not leave our yard” makes a clear boundary of where a child’s body is to be at any given moment. His heart might be with the kids across the street but his body better be at home. This is clear and not easily misunderstood by a child. If he does leave the yard, then consequences will be next. At later stages, issues of motivation and attitude can be used as boundaries. For example, your fourteen-year-old son can be expected to take out the trash with a good attitude without complaining. His mind-set and demeanor can become part of a boundary system intended to teach him about life issues.

Consistent Application
Boundaries also need to have clear consequences connected to them when violations are chosen. When he/she does cross the line, what discipline will take place to teach him to obey? Will this consequence of their action take place every time, some of the time or only after the parent has built up anger and comes at him like an wild person? The lines need to be clear, the discipline also and the consequences need to be consistent.
Consistency is one of the most important issues in parenting. Children don’t do well with mixed signals. When a parent says one thing but does another, it takes away credibility and believability in the child’s mind. He doesn’t believe you when you say, I am going to discipline you for crossing the line because you have proven that you mostly won’t. The child learns to ignore the lines and what you say until the signal of building anger is seen and then they get busy complying with commands. When you are consistent, meaning that the same discipline happens every time the boundaries are crossed, with an even temperament, the child becomes habituated to listen the first time. He/she learns that boundaries are real, important and that you mean what you say as a parent, not because you are angry but because these lines are good for the child.

Love that only builds and never tears down for our children is a given. Along with love, if we provide a united front, knowledge of the stages of human development and age specific limitations of children, clear boundaries and consistent application will provide our children with a healthy environment in which they can grow to be healthy adult.

Methods of Discipline
Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
The bible makes it clear that spanking is part of God’s plan for raising children, but it never precludes using other forms of discipline. As an educated counselor I am aware of the literature that suggests that spanking is an ineffective for of discipline, but I don’t believe what the studies suggest. I depend upon the bible for all of my instructions about training my children which includes spanking, but that is not my only form of discipline. Let’s discuss when and why to spank and suggest an alternative form of discipline that I have found effective.

Spanking
Spanking in my home is usually reserved for rebellion and stubborn refusal to comply with parental wishes. When a child rebels by deciding that he/she is not going to obey, that view that tells them not obeying is even an option, must be eliminated from their minds. Spanking works very well for breaking rebellion but never so hard or long that it breaks their spirit. Spanking helps the child return to sanity and tell himself that obedience is in his self interest. Yet spanking is over-kill for lighter offences and I consider it inappropriate for some situations.

Deprivation
When children are slow to obey, when they complain about obeying or have a general whining disposition, I find that depriving them of some privilege they enjoy to be an effective means of getting their attention. We take away TV time, computer time or ground them from friends. For some children, this form of discipline motivates them to change more than spanking and is preferable to spanking.

There are many ways to teach a child that his thinking and behaviors need to change. Be creative and find something that works for each individual child. May the Lord bless you and keep you as you train your children in the love of the Lord.