If you have been reading my articles and you are wondering why they stopped coming, they haven’t stopped, just slowed way down for the moment. I am just resting, digesting some new lessons from the Lord. When I am finished with my rest phase I will cycle back to writing phase again, so please be patient. We are learning many things at many levels and have many new challenges coming faster than we can handle.
If you want to help, ask the Lord Jesus to bless us with more energy and more finances. These 2 areas are what steal us away from the ministry, especially when I have to use my time and energy to make money to support my wife and 4 kids.
Thanks for reading and for those who have sent financial support. Rhonda and I are very grateful for your partnership with us in ministry. As Glen Cunningham said in the title of his inspiring book, Never Quit!!
Al
This article was prompted by a question I received from a reader
Question: My parents used spanking as their main way of punishing me as a child. I am wondering if spanking is really good for children and how my wife and I should discipline our children.
It is very important to develop an overall plan for training your children that includes understanding the benefits of ongoing learning as parents, knowledge of developmental stages, the limitations of age related abilities and the importance of consistent application. It is also very important to build agreement between husband and wife so that you can present a united front to the kids. Having an idea about how to proceed makes all the difference when you are in the heat of the moment, making decisions. Knowing your child’s capacities and limitations allows you to use wisdom as you correct their behavior. In this article, we will discuss the benefits of learning parenting skills, the different stages of human development, age specific capacities and limitations and the importance of consistency.
Parental Responsibility to Train & Discipline
Ephesians 6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
God’s Agents
Parents are God’s responsible agents for raising children. In modern USA, many have delegated this responsibility to the state through public schools and through the church. While a good church offers support for parents through Sunday school programs, responsibility for training children in the Lord remains with parents, especially fathers. Notice that parents are commanded to nourish children up in the discipline and knowledge of the Lord. Many types of knowledge are important for children to become mature adults, but knowledge of the Lord is primary.
Living Examples
Parents train their children in the Lord by teaching them concepts from the bible and then and most importantly by becoming living examples of these concepts in real life. The most effective training mechanism in the parent’s toolbox is the life they live in front of their children. Children pick up on what we believe, our attitudes, what/how we say and how we behave in relationships. What children see from their parents, they will imitate in their own life and often not know why they feel the way they do.
Parenting like God
Finally, parents are responsible to train their children using the same motives and methods that God uses to train His children. He trains and disciplines in love, always for the benefit of the child. Every word and act toward your child should be intentional and intended to edify him/her in the Lord. The previous article “Grace Parenting” deals with this concept in full.
In order to train our children effectively, we must learn how and why and when to use different levels of discipline.
Benefits of Learning to Parent
Knowledge is power and knowledge about parenting gives us the power to feel confident about decisions that we make as parents. Most of us as parents don’t need radical change, just the chance to see the situation differently, from God’s perspective based on accurate knowledge of the word. Parents need the Holy Spirit to be their coach who can provide knowledge and encouragement. As we learn about children and parenting principles we are able to
a. Gain skills and knowledge that enable us to formulate an overall plan.
b. Able to face normal changes with confidence and flexibility based on knowledge.
c. Able to discern our child’s needs based on their present stage of life.
d. Know our child’s abilities and limits of understanding in different developmental stages so that we can have realistic expectations and use age appropriate interventions.
e. Recognize the importance of being consistent in the way we apply rules and boundaries to help our children develop good habits of behavior.
Parenting Manual
Children don’t come with a manual so we have to find help from the accumulated wisdom of those who have come before. I encourage you to continue reading your bible and learning from Christian classes on parenting so that you can offer your children the best opportunity to grow into strong and healthy adults.
Marriage In Parenting
Another critical issue in parenting is the status of the marriage. As a rule, happy marriages produce healthy children. A happy marriage is not one without conflict but one where normal conflicts are managed, resolved and used for growth. When dealing with children, a united front where both parents say the same thing and work in unison is critical. A united front lends credibility to the ideas being presented and hinders the children from being able to divide and conquer parental authority. Children feel more secure when parents work well together and agree with one another about discipline issues. When both parents understand the development of their children, they can use accurate information to craft effective training methods.
Egocentrism
Another important piece of information about your child is the concept of egocentrism. All children are egocentric, which means that they are only able to think about themselves and only able to see the world through their own eyes and feelings. To a small child, he is the center of all things and all things truly exist for his pleasure. He/she at these early stages in incapable of experiencing empathy or look at a situation from someone else’s point of view. Egocentrism is more than a choice to be selfish though that is how it appears, it is the incapacity to think beyond their own self. This condition moderates at times and is mostly left behind by growth around the mid-20’s.
Stages of Human Development
Human beings grow and develop in stages from birth all the way to death. Psychologists have studied these stages and have written about the different developmental tasks that challenge us at each stage. The early stages focus on the challenges of physical development and the latter stages emphasize mental development. It is the challenge of these developmental hurdles that motivates us to grow and increase our abilities. The following table describes the different age categories and the abilities children normally possess at these ages.
Age Developmental Tasks & Abilities
0-2 yrs Develop senses & motor skills – sucking, grasping, looking, listening, crawling, walking, comprehension, talking, self-awareness, attachment, trust. Infant uses their senses and motor skills to relate to their world. They begin to develop basic categories of concrete objects in memory (hard, soft, color). Totally egocentric; None or little discipline, only positive reinforcement is effective to motivate.
2-6 yrs Develop symbols & language to understand & relate to the world. All thinking is concrete and the child is not yet capable to conceive in the abstract. Imagination flourishes and language becomes the primary means of influencing their world. Total to mildly egocentric which moderates about age 6; Light and immediate discipline is effective. Spanking with a rolled newspaper or very small switch. The goal is to communicate about behavior not cause great pain.
7-11 yrs Development of logic and examples (parables). Learning about classification of categories & numbers. Mildly egocentric so sharing & sympathy can be taught; Age where planned training & discipline based on rules is effective. Choices & consequences can be used to discipline ie loss of privilege; spanking for rebellion and rejection of authority.
12-Adult Development of abstract thought and hypotheticals. Understanding of ethics, law, morality, social issues, theoretical concepts. Focus on adaptations to society and how the person fits into the world. Able to understand concepts without concrete examples. Egocentrism fades up to mid 20’s; Focus on choices & consequences as the person interacts in relationships. Puberty, sexuality & preparation for marriage. Discipline through consequences; no spanking girls after puberty and boys for rebellion and standing up to authority.
Stages & Hurdles Cause Growth
Humans develop in stages from birth until death. The descriptions and age limits of these stages are generalities and approximations, not absolutes. Each stage brings new challenges to overcome and new opportunities for growth. Expanding thinking abilities and building a framework for life is the mission of each stage. As egocentrism (self centeredness) diminishes and the capacity for theoretical thinking increases, children are able to prepare for adulthood with its complex responsibilities.
Age Specific Capacities
Discipline needs to be crafted and aligned with age specific abilities to comprehend and capacity to learn the lesson being taught. Discipline should never be considered as nor called punishment, but as teaching and training to extinguish unhealthy attitudes and behaviors while replacing them with good ideas and behaviors. For example, you can spank a one-year-old over and over for a boundary violation but he is not yet able to understand what you are teaching him. You might even be able to convey the idea of “don’t” but he has not gained a positive perception of his world that helps him make informed choices. Spanking one-year-olds is not an effective means of correction. When he is two or three, spanking has more impact because he is more able to understand the lesson being taught.
Clear Boundaries
Boundaries should be as clear as possible for children, especially in the younger years. Small children are concrete thinkers, meaning that they can only understand something that has a physical example or application. It is not until age 12 + that children gain the capacity for intangible thought. As teenagers, your children are ready to discuss morality and more subtle boundaries related to motives, but not before. Boundaries for small children are made clear by making them physical. For example, “do not leave our yard” makes a clear boundary of where a child’s body is to be at any given moment. His heart might be with the kids across the street but his body better be at home. This is clear and not easily misunderstood by a child. If he does leave the yard, then consequences will be next. At later stages, issues of motivation and attitude can be used as boundaries. For example, your fourteen-year-old son can be expected to take out the trash with a good attitude without complaining. His mind-set and demeanor can become part of a boundary system intended to teach him about life issues.
Consistent Application
Boundaries also need to have clear consequences connected to them when violations are chosen. When he/she does cross the line, what discipline will take place to teach him to obey? Will this consequence of their action take place every time, some of the time or only after the parent has built up anger and comes at him like an wild person? The lines need to be clear, the discipline also and the consequences need to be consistent.
Consistency is one of the most important issues in parenting. Children don’t do well with mixed signals. When a parent says one thing but does another, it takes away credibility and believability in the child’s mind. He doesn’t believe you when you say, I am going to discipline you for crossing the line because you have proven that you mostly won’t. The child learns to ignore the lines and what you say until the signal of building anger is seen and then they get busy complying with commands. When you are consistent, meaning that the same discipline happens every time the boundaries are crossed, with an even temperament, the child becomes habituated to listen the first time. He/she learns that boundaries are real, important and that you mean what you say as a parent, not because you are angry but because these lines are good for the child.
Love that only builds and never tears down for our children is a given. Along with love, if we provide a united front, knowledge of the stages of human development and age specific limitations of children, clear boundaries and consistent application will provide our children with a healthy environment in which they can grow to be healthy adult.
Methods of Discipline
Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
The bible makes it clear that spanking is part of God’s plan for raising children, but it never precludes using other forms of discipline. As an educated counselor I am aware of the literature that suggests that spanking is an ineffective for of discipline, but I don’t believe what the studies suggest. I depend upon the bible for all of my instructions about training my children which includes spanking, but that is not my only form of discipline. Let’s discuss when and why to spank and suggest an alternative form of discipline that I have found effective.
Spanking
Spanking in my home is usually reserved for rebellion and stubborn refusal to comply with parental wishes. When a child rebels by deciding that he/she is not going to obey, that view that tells them not obeying is even an option, must be eliminated from their minds. Spanking works very well for breaking rebellion but never so hard or long that it breaks their spirit. Spanking helps the child return to sanity and tell himself that obedience is in his self interest. Yet spanking is over-kill for lighter offences and I consider it inappropriate for some situations.
Deprivation
When children are slow to obey, when they complain about obeying or have a general whining disposition, I find that depriving them of some privilege they enjoy to be an effective means of getting their attention. We take away TV time, computer time or ground them from friends. For some children, this form of discipline motivates them to change more than spanking and is preferable to spanking.
There are many ways to teach a child that his thinking and behaviors need to change. Be creative and find something that works for each individual child. May the Lord bless you and keep you as you train your children in the love of the Lord.
When Christian parents love and train their children the same way God loves and trains His children, I call this
Grace Parenting
The Importance of Parenting
Raising healthy children is one of the most important assignments anyone receives from the Lord. In present day USA, with the number of single parent homes on the rise, good parenting skills are even more important. Children, by God’s design grow healthier with both a father and mother in the home. When one parent is absent, a heavier burden falls on the remaining parent to provide the love, patience, training and correction that children need, but one parent can produce a healthy child. If you are a single parent, God will help you and enable you to parent your child in a way that will bless them and prepare them for adult life.
God – The Perfect Parent
When any person believes the gospel, the death burial and resurrection of Christ for their personal salvation, God adopts them into His Royal family forever (Rom 8:15). When we become His children, He enters us into a training program that inspires us to grow into strong, responsible spiritual adults who willingly take on spiritual responsibilities.
Hebrews 12:5 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; 6 For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.”
We begin as spiritual babies (1Pet 2:2), grow into different levels of spiritual childhood and if we endure in His program, we grow to become mature, spiritual adults (Heb 5:14). God perfectly parents His children and enables them to grow up to spiritual adulthood. As we seek guidance to parent our children, we find the perfect example in the way that God parents us.
Four Areas of Parenting
Raising healthy children that are able to grow into adults and handle adult responsibilities requires that parents think and act using the principles of God’s word. A good parent acts toward his/her children in the same way that God acts toward His children in Christ. Children need a fair authority to draw clear boundaries, they need attentive parents that will protect them from the world, they need informed parents that will train them to take responsibility and they need healthy parents who can set a good example of how good people live. In this article we will examine how God parents us in grace, four areas of parenting and finally we will develop God’s grace provisions that enable Christian parents to parent like God.
God’s Grace Parenting
When Christ hung on the cross, He paid for all of the sins of the world. Before we were saved, in fact before we were even born, all of the judicial penalties for sins were paid in full and resolved (1Jn 2:2). When we trust in Christ for salvation, we enter a parental relationship where all of the penalties for boundary violations are already paid. When God uses corrective measures as our parent, it is never as retribution, revenge or as a means of making us pay for disobedience. God corrects us for one reason and one reason only, He loves us and intends to teach and train us, for our own benefit. His grace has already paid for our sins and now His grace corrects our bad habits of thinking and behaving to help align us with His boundaries so that we can be blessed. God’s grace parenting is motivated by love and is designed to benefit us by training us to habitually behave in ways that will bring blessings to our life.
Parenting Like God
God gives us firm boundaries and never compromises His position of authority. He corrects us because He loves us and wants to change the way we think and act. When we understand God’s love and training program for us, we can train our children the way He trains us. We correct our children because we love them and want them to make decisions that will bring positive, not negative results. When they violate the boundaries we establish, we can be firm and implement corrective strategies while remaining calm, kind and loving. We can parent them with grace. Grace never takes revenge when lines are crossed, grace corrects to benefit the one who needs to change. With grace in mind, Christian parents can build their corrective methods around the idea of helping children change their thinking and habits, not pay for what they did wrong.
Fair Authority – Clear Boundaries – Appropriate Consequences
God is the Boss of the universe and He has given clear guidelines to His children about what is right and what is wrong. God is the perfect parent. Like all Christians, all children need a fair authority figure to give them clear boundaries of right and wrong, along with appropriate consequences for violating the boundaries. When children are young, they have yet to develop the ability to look at their circumstances and draw reasonable
conclusions on which to act. The ability to improvise and make good decisions comes with age and experience. Because of this, children need clear cut lines that tell them where they stand in relation to right and wrong. They need to know that obeying the adults in their life is right and that lying, cheating and stealing is wrong. They also need to understand the consequences both good and bad that will occur from the choices they make. Good parents teach their children that good decisions reap positive results and that the opposite is also true.
Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
Protective Parents
In an evil world where the devil’s philosophy is dominant (Jn 8:44), it pays for parents to pay close attention to the outside forces that come into contact with your children. Clear boundaries not only teach behavior but they provide protection. There are many in our world who will take advantage of the innocent and even hurt them in permanent ways. Children naturally trust others and without parental oversight can get themselves into trouble. While God loves children, He has temporarily allowed evil to exist in our world and expects parents to protect them. Protect them from evil from the outside and also protect them from the evil ideas they bring home by training them in the Lord.
Children are also very curious about adult experiences and will seek ways to enter into adult situations way before they are ready. These experiences can push them forward into adult life before their hearts are ready, resulting in extreme feelings of guilt and shame. For example, people who experience sex as children will have a permanent sexual fixation even in adult life and their sexual life will be distorted in their marriage. Children who are damaged early in life have a difficult time healing as adults. They spend a great deal of their adult life trying to recover from damage, rather than use their adulthood to enjoy and contribute to their world. Over zealous protection of your children will frustrate your children but will also protect them from making terrible mistakes. Protect your children by knowing where they are, who they are with and what they are doing every moment of their childhood so that they can enter into adult life as healthy people.
Parental Training
Parents, especially fathers are charged with the responsibility of training their children in the knowledge of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
The word discipline means to train them by educating them and by using corrective methods to steer them into good habits of behavior. All of us form habits of thinking and acting when we choose specific paths over time. When children are taught about the Lord and persuaded to act within the guidelines of the Lord, children will form habitual behaviors that will pay them dividends in adulthood. The word instruction means to admonish, teach and give warning about behavior. Parents are commanded to teach their children the principles of the word, correct them to form good habits of behavior and admonish them about violating God’s boundaries of wise ways of living.
A Good Church
A good local church can be helpful in training your children in the Lord. Often parents allow their children to choose the church they attend because of the entertaining youth program. If the youth program provides sound instruction in the word and is talented enough to make it entertaining then you have been blessed. If the program is full of fun but light on the word, you will be well served to find a church who takes the word more seriously (just my opinion after 30 years and raising 4 children). It is the promises and principles of God’s word that will empower your children to find Christ for themselves and live a blessed and successful life. If you cannot find a good bible church to teach your children the word, then you must educate yourself and teach them at home. Their spiritual education is the most important advantage you can give your kids, so don’t leave it to others to see that it is done.
Parental Examples
Children learn information by listening but they learn how to live by imitation. Children are natural mimics and they will look for people they respect to imitate. Your children will most certainly imitate you, either for the good or the bad. The best thing you can do for your children is to submit your life to the Lord, grow to maturity in the word and live the Christian life for real. Parents who know the Lord and live their lives in His service set the highest example for children to follow. Living for the Lord gives no guarantees that your children will follow, but your genuine Christian life will give them the best chance to do the same.
God parents us in grace, consistently correcting us to help us form good habits of behavior. He gives us clear boundaries and provides us with authority that is firm but kind and loving. He commands us to protect our children by closely monitoring their friends and activities. He commands us to train and nurture them in the Lord and provide a spiritual environment where they can learn the word while providing good examples of people who live their lives for Him.
Finally, I encourage you to pray for your children every day. What you can’t do with your human limitations, God can do because he has none. Ask Him to protect them and provide good influences in their life. Ask Him to lead you to a good bible church where you can learn the word so that you can be one of the good influences.
Part 2
Resolving Conflict God’s Way
God relates with love and grace. His love motivates Him to forgive all offences and offer reconciliation. He offers His forgiveness as a free gift to all who will accept it by faith. His forgiveness has been made possible by the sacrifice of Christ, who took all the sins of the world onto Himself. Having taken our sins and paid them in full, He now offers the benefits of forgiveness and reconciliation to those who will accept Him by faith. Christ taking our sins and giving us His forgiveness is grace.
Relating Like God
God’s love and grace sets the standard for how relationships are to be lived out. He is our example and He calls on us to imitate His love and forgiveness. God resolves our sins through forgiveness, not retribution. He refuses to react to offenses and continues to offer His love consistently. God keeps on giving unconditionally, regardless of how we fail to appreciate His grace or obey His word.
The way God relates to us, is the way He has designed marital partners to relate to one another. When our partner fails, we can give forgiveness not revenge. We can refuse to react with anger and continue giving love. When we relate like God in our marriage, we are able to resolve our conflicts without damaging one another. We are able to use conflict to grow in our love and strengthen our marriage instead of tearing it down. Loving like God enables all of our relationships to grow and become more intimate as God designed it to be.
Godly Strategies for Minimizing Conflict
Marital conflict is inevitable, necessary and even beneficial if handled according to God’s word. In spite of its necessity, conflict in marriage is no fun and there are ways to minimize its occurrence and ways to minimize the damage when it does. Education, preparation and a commitment to love without conditions will go a long way to minimize conflict. When we become devoted to one another’s well being we are willing to compromise and make sacrifices that enable us to grow closer together in love.
Patterns – Timing and Issues
First, learn to expect conflict and look for a regular pattern relating to timing and issues that spark it. All long term relationships follow patterns, especially marriages. These patterns mark when times are good and when they are bad. Watch your own patterns and learn to predict when a conflict is due. Certain issues also spark conflict between marriage partners. While they are different for all of us, some issues are commonly involved in conflict.
Money
Money is the most common source of marital conflict; the amount made and spent, what it is spent on and who is in charge of making these decisions. It is easy to feel that your partner is selfish and spends money unfairly, emphasizing their wants more than yours. It is important to have an organized budget and decide where extra money is going to go. A priority list made by both partners can be used to make sure the money is used fairly. In today’s American culture we have placed major emphasis on materialistic possessions and this is part of the reason we conflict over money. As Christians grow out of materialism and into a committed relationship with the Lord, more of their ”extra” money is given to His work. Placing emphasis on giving to the Lord will free your marriage from some of the conflicts about money.
Sex
Sex is another area where most if not all couples conflict. For men, as a rule, sex is primarily physical and men usually desire sex more than women. For women, as a rule, sex is primarily an emotional experience related to romance. Women are sexually stimulated by romantic feelings while men are stimulated by sexual images. Neither of these is right or wrong, it is just the way God made us and we must learn to accept one another as we are. A husband would be wise to accept that his wife is sexually stimulated by romantic evenings and sweet words. A wife would be wise to accept that her husband’s body experiences a build up of sexual desire and he desires sex about every 3 days. By understanding each other’s needs, an agreement, plan and even a schedule can be worked out that works for both. When the two are committed to love one another, they find ways to accommodate each other’s needs.
Children
Finally, one of the most common areas of disagreement and conflict is in raising children. All of us were raised under different rules with different parents. Each of us has an idea about how to train and discipline our children. When our different ideas meet in real life, conflict can occur. It is imperative to examine our individual differences and reach some kind of agreement so that you can present a united front for the children. Children know when parents are in conflict and will use the differences to divide and conquer. A united front gives children a consistent word and policy to follow, eliminating inconsistency and confusion. When parents will pre-think parenting situations and develop a consensus plan to deal with specific disobedience or rebellion, they can be prepared to work together.
Summary
Marital conflict is part of God’s plan to grow us into a unified team. Conflict is inevitable because we are fusing together different backgrounds, different aspirations, different genders and every other factor of life. Conflict is good if used for growth and damaging if used to express your commitment to selfishness. It reveals our differences and old pain pushing us to find ways to compromise and express love through a commitment to do what is best for the other. It also brings us to see that only by taking the mind of Christ into our hearts and relating like God, can our marriage grow into blissful intimacy. Learn to expect conflict, use it to grow more in love for life.
Part 1
Introduction
Marriage, the union of one man and one woman is the creation of God. In fact it is His greatest creation that He uses to exemplify the intimacy he desires with the human race. God uses marriage to demonstrate the blessings he offers to those who trust in Christ. God’s use of marriage for ministry makes it a target for the devil who seeks to destroy or pervert it. The devil’s attack on marriage is one of the reasons that marital conflict is so common and inevitable.
God designed the human soul and also designed marriage as the ultimate human fulfillment of our souls in this life. He made marriage to work with human souls made to be male and human souls made to be female. Contrary to modern thought, men and women are not the same in their souls and they do not experience marriage the same way. The design difference of male and female is another reason marital conflict is so common and inevitable.
This article will discuss the purpose of Christian marriage, the inevitability of conflict in marriage, God’s good purpose for allowing marital conflict, the Godly way to resolve it and finally marital strategies for minimizing conflict.
God’s Purpose for Christian Marriage
Eph 5:32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking about Christ and the church
In his discussion about Christian marriage, Paul brings it to an end by stating that it is a picture of Christ and the church. While he is talking about the mystery of marriage, he is really discussing Christ and His relationship with the church. Marriage is God’s provision for the whole human race, both believer and unbeliever. Man and woman in a love relationship, joined together for life in a legal marriage is a wonderful gift of God for all men. For those who never trust in Christ, their marriage will be their greatest blessing in their whole eternal existence. God’s purpose for Christian marriage, the joining of a Christian man and Christian woman is for them to illustrate the love of Christ for His church. It is an analogy where the husband illustrates Christ and the wife illustrates the church. As the husband loves his wife with unconditional love, he forms a picture of how Christ loves the church. As the wife respects and submits to the husband she forms a picture of the church following Christ into the work of the Father.
Christian marriage, forming a picture of Christ and His church is a ministry to all mankind and even the angels. It illustrates God’s love and desire for intimacy with all of His creatures. There is no greater image of God’s love than the loving and following in Christian marriage. This explains His extreme commitment to seeing Christian marriage endure and His strict guidelines for how it is to operate.
Marital Conflict is Inevitable
When 2 people join forces so totally that they merge every aspect of their lives as we do in marriage, conflict is inevitable. When man and woman join in marriage, they not only join their two persons but their families, their training, their backgrounds, their values and priorities. With every human being so different in all of these areas, it is inevitable that these different aspects of life will create conflict. When the different backgrounds and traditions meet one another in real life, conflict occurs. I remember our first Christmas with kids. My family had always played down the sanctity of specific days and times for gift giving and had very loose guidelines for when gifts were exchanged. In contrast, my wife’s family had always respected the different days and times, exchanging specific gifts at specific times. Her insistence that the children receive their gifts “assembled” on Christmas morning and not before, seemed a bit rigid to me with my relaxed attitudes about gift giving. Our differences about this issue led us into conflict during the holiday.
This occasion for conflict was only one of many to come as we continued our marriage relationship. We have conflicted over everything in life as we have faced every issue life holds, as is inevitable that we would because we are different in many ways.
God Allows Conflict for Good
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Surprised and Upset
At first, conflict is surprising and upsetting. It is surprising because we thought that our feelings of love would enable us to overlook every difference just to be with our beloved. It is upsetting because it makes us aware and even afraid that we could possibly lose the love we value so much. Without an understanding of conflict, its causes, solutions and even benefits, conflict can cause us to withdraw and take a defensive approach with our partner. On the other hand, with accurate knowledge of God’s design, we learn that conflict is meant to awaken us to our differences. God uses conflict to teach us that we can use it to learn about each other and use it to motivate us to work at our marriage.
Exposes our Differences
God uses conflict to expose our differences. When one tradition or value system meets the other in real life, conflict reveals that differences exist. Initially, we naturally defend our habitual way of doing things against any new idea even from our spouse. As we discuss and articulate both views, God’s first good goal is to force us to adopt healthy methods of communicating. If we fail to practice good communication, misunderstanding and then chaos will rule the home. Out of chaos we will be motivated to find mutual understanding and ways of discussing differences that build us up and not tear us down. God uses conflict in marriage to expose faulty methods of communication and to motivate us toward healthier ways of interacting.
Repressed Pain
This process can take time and we will discover that pain from the past can complicate it because we will project our past on to the present. The second good that comes from conflict is an awareness of repressed pain we often call baggage. When we are hurt in a relationship, our tendency is to stuff it down into our gut instead of acing it and resolving it with God. Repressing our pain causes us to carry the pain where it becomes our baggage. When we become aware that our spouse or our self is carrying baggage from the past, each of us can take steps to resolve our own pain from the past. As we successfully use God’s grace assets to deal with differences and pain from the past, we grow more confidant that God loves us and will act on or behalf. We could go on but I think you get the idea that marital conflict offers us the opportunity to grow within our self and in our relationship.
Conflict makes us aware of differences so that we can communicate well and find a compromise that satisfies both parties. When conflict occurs it often reveals hidden baggage from past painful relationships that works like a time bomb if not diffused. Conflict opens our eyes to issues that will hinder intimacy so that we can purge it and heal our hearts. Finally, conflict offers God the opportunity to demonstrate His love and care for us by showing us how to grow from adversity.
James 1:2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Conflict Offers Growth
Conflict exposes our differences and forces us to find new ways to think about life. It motivates us to let go of our false ideas and replace them with God’s view of life. The result is that our hearts are free from hurt and bitterness, enabling us to love more. God uses conflict to bring us to truth and truth brings us closer to God.
James explains that God uses adversity for our growth. As we trust Him and His word to solve our problems, we grow in or ability to trust Him even more. Every time God delivers us from or through our adversities, including marital conflicts, He proves that His word is more powerful than anything in life. Every time we come through conflict using God’s promises and principles, we grow in our love for God and for our partner. He proves that He loves us, loves our marriage and is personally involved in our daily life. Conflict, instead of being a problem is an opportunity for us to learn more about one another, for God to act in our lives and for us to grow in or love for Him and each other.
Check soon for Part 2
Introduction
The amount of money spent in treatment centers for addictions in America is on the rise. Either more people are falling into addictions or more people are educating themselves about addictions and seeking help. I believe the second idea is closer to the truth. Also professional counselors have classified more kinds of behaviors as addictions than before. Now it seems we can be addicted to anything, food, sex, the Internet and a whole host of things that can become the objects of compulsive behavior. It is clear that humans can become compulsive about anything and believe that any person, state of mind or inanimate object is necessary for us to be at ease within our minds. This article will examine some basic issues related to addictions and offer the beginning of God’s solutions for believers who struggle with addictive behaviors.
What is an Addiction?
Addiction is defined as a state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. (Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009). Addiction is enslavement or a habit that causes extreme suffering if we try to do without the object of the addiction. The slavery can be mental and/or physical. We can be addicted to a substance like alcohol, to a person like a mate or a situation like the feeling that comes from gambling. Addiction can be mental without a physical dependency, thinking that we must have the object of desire or we can’t be at ease. The addiction can be to substances that cause a physical dependence like drugs or alcohol.
Addiction vs. Dependence
In the medical field, a distinction is made between physical dependence and addiction. A person can become dependent upon a medicine for their body to function in a healthy manner, like diabetics are dependent upon insulin. Addicts on the other hand use their drug of choice for the pleasure and to hide from pain. They have a psychological use for their addiction that is related to escaping from the reality of life. When a person has a medical problem that requires that they become dependent on a medical solution, they are not considered addicts.
Pleasure and Pain
Addiction usually has 2 sides to it. The obvious side is the pleasure involved in the relationship to the object of addiction. Few people become addicted to something that causes them pain but many become addicted to things that bring them pleasure. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, a person and other substances and situations can be a source of pleasure that can become an addiction. When we conclude that the pleasure gained from the object is necessary for our daily life or for us to be at ease, we have become attached to the object in an unhealthy way. The bible explains that our craving for pleasure comes from the corruption of our desires through a selfish nature inherited from Adam and a false belief system that tells us that gratification of our desires is a sufficient substitute for the joy that God wants to give us.
1 John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.
Lust is normal desire gone wrong. When desire, which is normal in itself is corrupted by the false idea that gratification is happiness, we can become fixated on gratification to the point where it becomes our primary goal in life. God offers the Christian a better way to find happiness that is genuine and lasting.
Gal 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.
When we allow the Holy Spirit who is God, to influence the ideas we use to live our life and make our decisions, He leads us into life of meaning, purpose and fulfillment. The joy and contentment that comes from living a life filled with God’s purpose, is the better life He offers in place of our addictions and gratification as happiness.
Avoiding Pain
The other side of addiction is the use of pleasure as an escape from pain. Life in the devil’s world causes deep soul pain for all of us. This life is full of loss and the loss of important people and things causes grief in our hearts. This life is also filled with injustice and unfair treatment that causes us to feel unfairly treated and cheated by those who hurt us. When we are hurting inside, we naturally look for ways to make the pain go away. The bible talks about the natural reactions of children who have been mishandled by their parents.
Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.
To exasperate means to make angry through overbearing treatment. Fathers can allow themselves to become angry with their children and discipline with anger. When they use anger to bully their children, it feels like unfair and unloving treatment to the children. The children naturally react to parental anger by losing heart. The Greek word athumos means to be without passion or to numb your feelings. Children have very few options when parents treat them unkindly. They are too young to leave and go on their own so they have to stay and find a way to cope. One way children cope is to numb their hurt by repressing their feelings. Repressing emotion creates a split in the soul because they lose touch with their pain by forcing it into the subconscious. The pain is still there, hidden but the child no longer remembers it and thinks he has effectively dealt with it, but has not. It will remain unresolved deep in the heart and can lead to depression later in life.
Unresolved Pain
Unresolved, repressed pain eventually comes out in adult life. It shows up in our primary relationships of marriage and raising our own children (see the Angry Dad article). When the pain surfaces, we will have forgotten where it came from, why it is there or what to do about it. We just know that we are sad and we hurt inside. Not knowing how to resolve the pain, we look for any way we can find to not feel it. A convenient pain reduction method is the pleasure of alcohol, drugs, gambling or a love relationship. When we use a substance and get pain relief, we begin to hope that we have found a good way to reduce our pain. The pleasure and relief cycle begins to perpetuate itself but offers no real resolution to the pain. In addition, the more we use pleasure to distract us from pain, the less effective pleasure from substance use works. We build a tolerance to the substance so that we have to use more and more to get the same relief. Tolerance is why addicts lose control of their using behaviors. Eventually, they have to use so much that they spend all of their money to obtain enough to find relief. Their behavior spirals out of control and they become enslaved by their substance of choice. The bible explains that when we abandon our self to pursue pleasure, we become more and more desensitized to pleasure and pain.
Ephesians 4:17 This I say therefore, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart; 19 and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality, for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness.
The Fatal End
When we reject God’s plan for happiness and pursue happiness through addictive behaviors, we end up callous and abandon our self to a frantic search for happiness through pleasure. We end up enslaved to a progressive addiction producing less and less satisfaction, still in pain and caught in a trap. Additionally, some will also eventually lose their health because overuse of alcohol or drugs kills the body. If our addiction is to gambling, we lose all of our money, then our family, our jobs and maybe everything we love. The end of an addiction is a bad place where losing everything is inevitable.
The Better Way
Many people fall prey to addictive behaviors but God has a better way to live. He offers the pleasure of His presence through the Holy Spirit, which provides more pleasure and satisfaction than anything in this life. When we trust in Christ for salvation, God gives us eternal life as a present possession the moment we believe. Following our salvation, He offers us a life of victory over all of the difficulties of life. Using His grace to faithfully endure hardship in every stage of life brings great fulfillment in this life and reward in the next. God’s plan offers the human race a far better life than a life dominated by addictions. His way builds us into strong, loving, giving people who can gracefully endure everything life brings all the way to the end. His way involves an addiction, but an addiction to God who is the only one worthy of our total dependence and worship.
Ephesians 1:3-7 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. 7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace,
Before God created the world, He saw each of us and created our blessings for time and eternity. He decided to send His son Jesus to pay for our sins and chose us to be saved in Christ. Before time he decided to adopt us into His family and lavish His grace on us so that when all is said and done, His love and grace will be glorified and He will be praised forever. We have a chance to be a part of this great plan and that is a far better opportunity than being dominated by an addiction to hide from our pain.
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During times of economic difficulty and job loss, depression numbers grow, especially among the male population. Whenever circumstances around us are in a downturn, it causes many to feel down inside. As we lose confidence about the future, we can believe that our chances for advancement are lessened. When we base our future on human thinking, it is easy to allow circumstances to get us down. When we base our future on God’s promises, we can be confident in His power and faithfulness, which are both greater than circumstances. In this article we will briefly define depression,
What is Depression?
Depression, oversimplified, is the loss of hope. It is experienced as a down feeling that comes when we stop believing that life will be good for us in the future. Hope can be defined as a belief that life will go well with us and we will receive what we want in the future. Hope is confidence about the future. When we stop believing that our future will be good and believe that our future holds nothing but disappointment, we can spiral down into a depressed state. When we stop trusting God for our future and allow our doubts and fears to dominate our conscious minds, we can become discouraged and depressed.
Inner Dialogue
When people are depressed, they often are not sure why or how they got that way. They may think and feel that “no one feels the way I do”. We can ask, “Why am I so sad and why can’t I get over this”; “Why did this happen to me”, “Where is the light at the end of this tunnel”? Christians who become confused about God’s goodness when He allows them to suffer can go through a crisis of faith that leads to depression. Their inner dialogue will be filled with hurtful and angry discussions about why God allowed them to suffer the painful event. Every Christian who endures the spiritual journey through their life will go through some form of discouragement to some degree.
Physical Connection
Depression also can have a physical connection along with the mental and emotional suffering. When we are depressed, the neural receptors of our brain can be damaged, making it very difficult to pull out of it. Psychologists are not certain which comes first, the mental or physical, whether the mental causes the physical or the physical causes the mental. It is clear that there are genetic and environmental links from one generation to the next because children of depressed mothers and fathers often experience their own depression in adult life. The physical aspects of depression can be alleviated through medications that can even help the mental and emotional difficulties of depression.
Let’s summarize a few ideas to make sure we understand depression. It is deep discouragement that we go into when we suffer the loss of something or someone important. Depression can occur if we get stuck in the grieving process and don’t reach the resolution phase. The key trigger seems to be a loss of hope about the future. If we begin to anticipate continuing disappointment in the future, we lose hope that God will provide the things we want in the future. We lose the motivation that drove us ahead, the drive to pursue our goals and we go into a low place. The good news about depression is that God has a sure solution for it if we will get serious about His plan.
Heb 12:5 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him;
When God allows loss to train us in His will, we can faint and lose heart, which are bible terms for discouragement and depression.
Causes of Depression
Let’s further examine what we have already stated about what causes depression. First, it robs us of the happiness that we can have in life. It is a result of mishandling loss by believing negative sayings and images about the future and failing to believe positive images about the future. It is inevitable that we will suffer loss and the loss of someone we deeply value or something we see as necessary for happiness. When we do suffer loss, it is important that we grieve and get over it in a reasonable amount of time. We can get stuck in our grief when we refuse to accept God’s will and right to allow our loss, so that we grieve without hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve, as do the rest who have no hope.
We can become angry with God for our loss and then become angry with our self for fighting with God. This process can cause us to lose confidence in our self and even in God’s good intentions to bless us. If we will tell our self that we will be reunited with the one we lost because of the resurrection, we can regain our hope for the future. The truth of God’s word is always our answer for every problem in life.
The idea of loss can be connected to many things in life. We can feel loss if we fail to achieve a goal or we begin to have health problems. We might react to the imagined loss of future opportunities or even real losses. The difficult truth is that God doesn’t mean for us to hold on to anything or anyone in this life. Everything comes and goes, even life itself and the only permanence is found in the next life with God. When we are earthly attached and focused, we are vulnerable to depression and anxiety. As we grow in the Lord and detach or hearts from the things of this life, we find freedom to be content and more able to accept the losses we endure.
Intensification of Depression
Many people who suffer from depression feel ashamed of it and believe the lie that tells them that only the weakest of us get depressed. Those who feel ashamed of being depressed try to keep it a secret so that their weakness won’t be exposed. Shame about depression only adds to depression and secrecy to hide weakness cuts us off from the help we desperately need. When depression is kept secret it increases and intensifies feelings of shame and hopelessness. The brain becomes overloaded and we sink into a deeper hole within our own hearts. We can live for years with a low-grade depression that hinders our ability to manage our responsibilities and causes us to miss the opportunities to enjoy the pleasures life has for our lives. It is difficult to function as a good mate or parent when we are depressed and trying to hide it. In the most extreme cases, deep depression leads to suicide, the ultimate harm to family and loved ones.
Coming out of Depression
Depression is a breakdown in our faith in the Lord and is really a series of mental sins. One of the first ways to come out of depression is to stop hiding our problems and be honest about them. John tells us that honesty about our failures begins with God.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Confession means to admit and be honest with God about our sins. Depression is a downward spiral in our thoughts and feelings that results from believing lies and committing the mental sins of self-pity, fear and shame. When we recognize that we have chosen to think our self into this hole and admit it to God, we are making the first move to correct the problem.
Secondly, God has provided the body of Christ with its individual members with their individual spiritual gifts to edify one another. Depression is a state of soul that often can be helped by encouraging words of truth from gifted believers. Depression is the result of believing lies about our self and the future and when we are supernaturally encouraged with truth by gifted believers it can help move us in a better direction. Recovery from depression is a journey not a one shot decision.
Ephesians 4:15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ,
Finally, the journey out of the hole of depression is a journey of reestablishing hope and confidence in God’s grace and love for us. Hope is the product of trusting God’s good intentions and believing that he has a positive future for us. The bible gives us the truth about how to find hope in the difficult environment of the devil’s world.
The bible teaches us that we find hope in the gospel (Col 1:23) because we are given eternal life when we believe it. This hope comes from God’s love for us (Rom 5:4-5), is laid up in heaven (Col 1:5), is connected to our calling in Christ (Eph 1:18), is learned from the promises of the bible (Rom 15:4), is the work of the Holy Spirit and is experienced as confidence when we trust the promises of God (Rom 15:13).
Depression is a result of telling our self lies about our future when we experience the pain of loss and disappointment. These lies paint a bleak picture and distort the truth about God’s love and good intentions toward us. The lies cause us to lose hope in His care for us and we find our self in a deep hole wanting to give up. We combat and defeat our lies by learning, believing and telling our self the truth of God. The truth is found in His word, revealed by the Spirit and renews our hope when we choose to tell it to our self and believe it instead of our lies.
Telling Self the Truth
I have helped many people who were depressed and talking suicide. When we discussed the inner dialogue they were circulating in their minds, telling themselves, it became clear why they wanted to end their lives. They had gone though some type of painful loss, couldn’t seem to get past the pain and had concluded that they would never feel any better within their hearts. When we were able to list the lies they were telling their self, we were then able to confront these lies and fight them with truthful, hope filled thoughts. When a client would choose to be alert to their inner voices and take charge of what they said to themselves, they were able to turn their depression around in short order. Some refused to stop telling themselves the lies and preferred to remain in their hopeless state. I felt for them but when they refused to be responsible for their own hearts, I knew I had done all I could do. Each of us must decide what we will believe, what we will tell our self and how we feel inside. We come out of depression by choosing to reject the ideas that make us feel bad and replace them with ideas that make us feel good. God wants you to know the truth and the truth will set you free.
My own dear mother has long since gone to be with the Lord. I do miss her and her love for me that seemed not to have an end. I would have had to work very hard to turn mother against me, if I even could. Mother cared, deeply, totally, without fail, everything about me. I have had no bigger fan in my life and now know that she was the one God gave me to promote me unconditionally, all her life. I love you mom and I am looking forward to seeing you in heaven forever.
This is one of those goofy e-mails that go around like you get every year. It has no place in a serious internet site dedicated to the Lord. So, who said we were serious, all the time anyway?
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
What is Stress?
Stress is caused by anxious and fearful reactions to difficult circumstances. Difficult situations come when we take on adult responsibilities that hold increasing importance to us. During a normal American childhood, our responsibilities are limited. We are responsible to make our grades, clean up our room and perhaps a few chores assigned by our parents. As we reach adult life, we take on the responsibilities of marriage and rearing children, which place much greater pressure upon us. Circumstantial pressure increases as the importance of our responsibilities increase. Stress, which is anxiety related to our pressures, increases as we choose to worry about the outcomes of these situations.
God Is Prepared
Long before God created the universe, with His genius, omniscient mind, He was able to look ahead into human history and see every moment of our lives. He saw our bodies being formed in the womb, the moment of birth and every moment since. He is fully and totally aware of every aspect of our lives. In fact, he is totally aware of every life, every situation and every problem that any of us will face in our lifetime, and He has made provisions for us to handle every situation with His grace. The pressure we experience from the important responsibilities we have taken, have a solution, a way that God has provided for us to deal with these situations and be at peace, instead of feeling stressed.
In this article, we will discuss some of the different pressures that come with simply being alive, the provisions that God has made to give us victory over daily life and the way He has designed for us to practice His solutions to experience inner peace and joy in spite of difficult circumstances.
Pressures of Life
I am defining pressure as the weight we feel associated with the responsibilities normal to every stage of life. In our early life, we have the pressure of everything being new to us and having to learn how to deal with things we don’t know how to do. We have to learn how to make good grades, relate to others in school and how to compete within the social structures we experience. Looking back, the pressures of childhood look small, but when we were in the midst of them they didn’t feel small, they often felt overwhelming. As we enter adult life, the scope of our responsibilities increase and with them the pressures increase. Marriage and family carry bigger pressures than making good grades or having to compete on the playground. Most of us consider these relationships to be the most important of our lives. As the importance ratio increases, the temptation to “stress out” also increases.
Every stage of life carries its own difficulties and burdens. Early life has the pressures of everything being new, mid life the pressures of everything being so critically important and older life holds the pressures of seeing it all come to an end. God designed human life and is fully aware of all the pressures that come with each stage. All along the way He has made provisions for us that enable us to handle the pressures with class and make decisions that edify everyone around us. When we use God’s promises and principles to manage our souls, we are relieved of stress within and we are able to give freely to others. His promises guarantee us a way of looking at pressure that makes dealing with it fun and beneficial. Instead of feeling stresses, we can feel challenged and use the pressure as an occasion to grow. Only God could turn difficult circumstances into something good.
Provisions of God
God knows what is coming next. He knows what is going to happen to everyone, the choices that each of us will make and how these choices will interact with one another to motivate us to make other decisions. He knows the end before it begins. God, knowing how human life works has made promises relating to life that He always honors when we believe them and use them for life. What God who cannot lie has promised, He will certainly perform whenever anyone trusts Him for them. For example, God has promised to meet all of our daily needs for earthly life, ie food, clothing and shelter.
Phil 4:19 And my God shall supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.God’s glorious riches supply all of our needs.
Notice that this is an unconditional promise and not dependent upon any action we must perform. He takes care of all the needs of His children, like any good father, even when they are in a state of disobedience. Notice also that His promise pertains to our needs, not necessarily our wants. What we think of as needs and what God knows are our real needs can often be very different. This promise is a real comfort to those who trust Him when we are struggling financially. To know that God will take care of us and our family can give us inner peace if we will believe the promise and not doubt it.
God has given promises and principles pertaining every stage of life. He knows us in the womb, knows when we will be saved, when we will struggle with any and every issue in life and He is prepared to handle them. We feel stressed when we don’t know how our situations will turn out. We imagine them turning out for the worst and visualize scenarios of disaster resulting in disappointment and pain. With God’s promises that enable us to deal successfully with every problem in life, we can eliminate the negative images. Rather than imagining negative images, we can rightly imagine successful images and be at ease about the outcome of any situation. When we trust God’s promises, they take away stress and replace it with peace. This is true about everything in life and every stage of life. Let’s look at the ultimate problem we will face, or own death. For the Christian, those who have trusted the death, burial and resurrection of Christ for their salvation, death means that our soul leaves our earthly body and goes to be with the Lord. Listen again to Paul,
2 Cor 5:6 Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord 7 for we walk by faith, not by sight 8 we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.
While we are here on earth, we live inside the body we were born with. When we leave this body, the promise is that we will immediately go to heaven to be with Jesus, who will one day give us a new body that will last us forever. What a wonderful promise from God that can alleviate our worry and fears when facing death or when a loved one who is a believer dies. God’s promises answer every problem in life and give us peace in any problem in life, when we will believe them.
Practicing our Faith
God in grace has provided for every problem life holds. God’s grace means that He has done all the work and offers us the benefits of His work as a free gift. We benefit from His work when we believe what He has promised. Christ paid for our sins and offers His work as a free gift, which we accept by faith. Christ has also provided for every other problem in life and offers His grace provision as a free gift, which we accept by faith.
Faith is how we utilize God’s grace provisions. The writer of Hebrews explains how faith is mixed with the promises of God.
Heb 4:2 For indeed we have had good news preached to us, just as they also; but the word they heard did not profit them, because it was not united by faith in those who heard.
The writer tells us that faith is united or mixed together with the promise of God and when it is, the believer is benefited. All of us have faith and can choose to connect our faith to any idea. When we choose to connect or mix our faith with God’s word, He benefits us by blessing us with whatever He promised. The more we know about God, His word and what he has promised His children, the more we can mix with our faith and the more we can be blessed by God.
Summary
Pressure from our responsibilities grows as life progresses and the temptation to feel stressed grows along with it. Stress can grow if we don’t handle pressure well and can even take over our life. God has given us promises that enable us to deal victoriously with every difficulty in life. When we mix our faith with His promises, He blesses us with inner peace and contentment. His promises have made a way for us to avoid stress even though we can’t avoid the pressures of life. If your life is filled with stress, consider talking to God about your problems and learning His promises to deal with your difficulties.
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This article is a revision of an earlier one that I wrote and posted here. I have included an audio link so that you can hear it as well as read it. The revision is for a new website I am working on that is designed to walk the general public through problem solving to a saving knowledge of Christ and into spiritual growth. You will notice that God is not mentioned until the end. The reason for this is that the general public is looking for solutions to problems but may not know they are looking for God. This site will build credibility by helping them with problems and then lead them to the Lord. Please pray for our work and for those who come to the site.
Audio: www.go2grow.org/audio/AngryDad_01.mp3
The Angry Dad
To his friends and co-workers, Andy was a nice guy. His knowledge of his work field impressed everyone. He always seemed to have a great deal of common sense answers to life questions and his family and friends looked to him for answers. Outside of his home, Andy was a calm, cool, steady man. Inside his home the story read differently. His wife and children had a different opinion of him. At home he was known as the angry dad and the abusive husband. His wife and kids walked around on eggshells never knowing when he was going to lose his temper and his grouchiness was legendary. Andy was filled with everyone else’s answers but his ability to apply what he knew was anemic.
Andy knew that he was not doing well with his family and he hated that his heart was still dominated by anger. Every time that he lost his temper, he could see his daughter withdraw and her spirit close up. Rather than trust him, his wife had gotten quieter and more distant. She had begun to keep things from him. Little things like the kid’s bad grades or when the kids had gotten in trouble at school. When he confronted her about it, she shrugged and said, I knew you would blow up and I can’t stand how you speak to the kids when you are angry. Andy walked away knowing that something had to change and he also knew that the change had to be in his own heart.
Andy is not a bad man but he is an angry man. He loves his family and does many sacrificial acts for their benefit. He makes their living, keeps them safe and has promised to stay and never leave. There is much to recommend about him but he is hurting his family with his anger. Why is trying hard not enough to change him? How many times had he vowed to himself that he wouldn’t lose his temper again? No matter how many times he has promised himself and his wife that he won’t get angry again, inevitably, under pressure, his real feelings come out.
When Andy came to the counseling office, he was very discouraged about his chances for change. I have tried very hard to get rid of my anger her said, but nothing has worked. I am afraid if I don’t find a way to change my behavior, that I will lose my family. My wife has threatened to leave several times when things got bad. If this scenario sounds all too familiar then let me suggest a few ideas that might help.
First, a professional counselor can help you discover the source of your anger and make lasting changes. The profession has made strides in the use of cognitive-behavioral methods to change mental habits. Seek a recommendation from someone who has had a good experience and ask for a name. Call, make an appointment and stick with the process until you get results.
Second, ask yourself some probing questions to find the source of your anger. Habitual anger is seldom really about the immediate issue presented by your wife and kids. The immediate issues remind you of older events and reasons for anger that you are projecting onto them. These are questions a counselor will ask so go ahead and think this through before you go.
When is the first time you remember getting angry?
What caused your anger in the event you remember?
What was the result of your outburst? Did it help resolve the situation? Did it make matters worse?
Did your father get angry in a similar way?
The goal is to identify what you are really angry about so that you can rethink your ideas about the issue.
Thirdly, educate yourself about inner dialogue and the power of what you say to yourself within your mind. Let me give you a primer to your study.
The brain thinks and processes thought in 2 primary ways. We verbalize within by saying things to our self and we visualize within by creating images that correspond to what we are thinking. Self-talk is not strange like we have heard, it is normal. We think by talking to our selves.
The important issue with inner verbalizing and visualizing is the content, what we say and see. When you become angry, inside your mind below the level of awareness, you are saying something to yourself and seeing some image that calls for anger as the appropriate response. It is very likely that you are remembering something from your past that hurt you and made you angry. The present situation somehow reminds you of that past event(s) and the anger rises up from within you before you can stop it and you don’t really know why. The anger is also exaggerated in you. It is more than the present situation calls for if it calls for any anger at all.
The inner sayings and seeings are what will lead you to understand where the anger is rooted. That is why it is vital to uncover what you are saying and seeing within. When you are able to put the old pieces together with the new, you can make progress in pulling them apart and defusing your anger now.
The fourth thing to do is to anticipate your anger so that you can intervene in it. Write down the times when you normally feel anger toward your family. Use an hourly calendar of a day and write in angry events that normally occur. When you find yourself approaching one of your daily events, before you get there, tell yourself that you are not going to allow the feelings that rise up to cause you to take action. If you feel the anger, you will not express it. Intervene in these angry events and stop the behavior that is hurting your loved ones.
Andy, these are steps you can take on your own and especially with a counselor’s help. By finding the source of your anger, identifying the actual inner thinking in words and images and intervening in your habitual behaviors, you can begin to make changes. The mind is made so that it is programmed with habitual behaviors that can be reprogrammed with different ideas and habitual behaviors. I am hoping that you try these things and have great success so that your family feels loved rather than criticized.
The final suggestion I would make is the one I use for myself and that is to include God in all of the equations of your life. I have found God to be the best friend I have and that He is willing to involve Himself in my life and help me change my bad behaviors. If you decide to seek God, the website has links to information about Him. My prayers are with you.
