Wilson could not figure out what was wrong. He was doing everything he had been taught to do but he just couldn’t find any peace with God. Ever since his business had gone under, he had been struggling to settle himself when he prayed like he used to be able to do. Always before, he would come to God in prayer, he would confess his sins, he would give thanks, he would pray for others and then last of all he prayed for himself. This is the correct order like I was taught, he said to himself, but for some reason, he couldn’t sense God’s presence like before. He rolled over and went to sleep and as he did, he said one last thing to God. Lord, help me understand what is wrong, what is different now, because I need to be at peace with you and I am not.
He felt himself fighting it and not knowing what it was. It was big whatever it was, bigger than anything he had ever fought before. He pushed hard against it but it didn’t budge! How could it be so hard to push? It was then that he knew he was dreaming and in his dream he was fighting something and he knew it was important. Wilson woke up with the covers twisted around him and saw his wife sitting up looking at him like he was crazy. You were dreaming she said and fighting with God in your dream. Fighting with God!, he exclaimed, that is unbelievable. I can’t be fighting with God, I love God and He is my Boss, I would never fight with God. He said to his wife. Who could hope to win in a fight with God? But as he said these very words he knew it was true. He was fighting with God and he was afraid of what that might mean. He rolled over and went back to sleep the fitful sleep of a man who was fighting within himself and fighting with God.
He was on the way to work listening to his morning talk show when the host introduced a man who was going to talk about how he had been in a fight with God and won because he lost. Wilson couldn’t believe his ears. He looked up and said, what are you trying to tell me God, am I really in a fight with you? As he listened the man described how he had lost his wife several years back to cancer and how he had been so angry with God for allowing her to die and leaving him here alone. Every word he said seared into Wilson’s soul and he saw for the first time how he really was mad at God for allowing his business to fail. The economy this and the sales force that but he knew that only God could have stopped it, changed it. For the first time, he realized, I really am mad at God. I am now very afraid, he thought because God can squash me like a bug if He wants and here I am mad at Him. He continued on to work and put the thought aside for later.
Wilson climbed in his car and made his way out of the parking lot, on his way home. As he began the trip, once again his thoughts turned to his relationship with God. He could see now that his anger was about his business and how God had allowed it to go under. He remembered back to the moment when he knew that the business was going to go under and nothing could stop it from happening. It was the same moment that he had looked up and said thanks a lot God, his voice full of sarcasm. Thanks for nothin! He had said to His heavenly Father, knowing that God had already known this day would come. He had known and allowed me to go through this anyway. That was the moment he had decided to be mad at God. He shook his head as he recalled that moment and said, Lord, help me let this anger go and help me think right about this situation. He felt the anger deep in his soul, welling up and he thought, how do I stop feeling this way? I know this is wrong but I can’t seem to stop feeling angry with Him! All the way home, he felt his anger growing more real and his feelings growing stronger and coming closer to the surface. It was almost at the surface as he pulled in his drive and parked his car.
He got out and walked to the gate to the back yard. He walked onto the patio and sat down in one of the chairs. He felt almost out of control now with this crazy anger choking him. I’ve had enough of this he thought, you could have stopped this and saved my business God. My dad started that business before he died and gave it into my hands for me to care for it and you just threw it away like so much trash. I don’t understand how you can say you love me and yet you let me come to this moment. Listen, Wilson finally said as he looked up at God, even if you burn me I have to tell you how I feel. I hate your guts God and I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. I trusted you with everything and you do this! Wilson stood up and kicked his chair up against the house, how could you do this, he said and shook his fist at God with tears rolling down his cheeks. As he said these words he saw an image of Leut. Dan in Forrest Gump screaming at God atop the mast of the shrimpin boat. He hung his head, his passion spent and looked up to see the lightning bolts coming down from heaven. None came. He waited a minute more continuing to look up to God, knowing he was about to be a black spot on his perfect lawn. Still no fire from heaven. But wait, what was that he heard in his soul? A quiet sense of something, an awareness that God was speaking to him. The voice said, thank you son for finally being honest with me. You have been going through the motions but not giving me your true heart. I know you are hurt, I know you are confused and I know you are angry. Now come here, sit with me and let’s work this out.
Wilson almost fell down. Out of every possible response he could have gotten from God after what he had just said, this kind, loving voice was the last one he expected. The Lord of Hosts, God of the Angelic Armies who he had just insulted instead of burning him to a crisp, had thanked him for his truthfulness and invited him to come close and work out their relationship. He slowly sat down in the remaining chair and looked up at the evening sky. The moon was just coming up over the trees and the air was cooling quickly but he wasn’t ready to go in just yet. What do you mean work it out Lord? I don’t understand what just happened. I violated your justice! I came close to threatening your existence and you thank me for it? Apparently the things I have been taught about you were not true or sadly lacking in details. He heard another quiet chuckle in his soul and the Lord said in the way He speaks to His children, yes and no, He said. Just relax, you are my son, I will never let you go and I am going to show you how much I love you. No child of mine really comes to know me until they have suffered heartache and until they have learned how to be honest with me about it. Son, I don’t care about the rituals of prayer near as much as I care about you and that you tell me what is really in your soul. Just talk to me like I am a real person and stop doing what you think I want from you. I don’t understand that Lord, what is doing what I think you want? It means you do the right things thinking that by doing the rituals in the right order I will be pleased with you. I am pleased with you because you are in union with my Son Jesus. When you pray, just talk to me as you, like you talk to your wife.
Wilson felt the anger melt out of him like hot butter. He let out a deep sigh that came from the core of his soul and he felt all the fear and bitterness escaping like hot air. He knew he was wrong to be angry and that God had good reasons for allowing his business to fail. Just like the man’s wife who was now in heaven and not suffering with cancer, he was now free to leave his work and come home without it. He was free to spend time with his wife and kids without the business taking all his time. Wilson knew he was just at the start of realizing God’s love and grace that was involved in his business going under. Instead of being angry now, he felt excited to learn all of God’s good reasons for allowing the business to fail. Most of all Wilson felt excited about talking to God. He was going to have to develop a whole new system for praying now. The old rigid way of praying for things in order to get the answers he wanted was out. Now, he could just talk to His Father about what was on his mind and just be himself. Wow! What a day! The things he had learned since last night when he had been fighting with God in his dreams. He looked through the back window and saw his wife working in the kitchen. He smiled to himself and headed toward the back door. He wondered what to tell her about what just happened with God. Would she even believe him that God had just spoken to him? What would she say when he told her about giving God a piece of his mind? He smiled again as he opened the door and she looked up at him, well here goes. Honey, you will never believe what God just said to me. Wilson walked in and closed the door.
Wilson is like many of us, mad at God and not even aware of it, actually afraid to be aware of it. We fail to understand the significance of our position in Christ that makes us His children and how that eternal position has attached us to His perfect love. He will never leave us or forsake us and even when we are angry with Him, He doesn’t take offense. At least anger is honest though misguided. When God allows our earthly hopes and dreams to fail, it is natural for us to be angry. After all, only He knew what was going to happen and could have prevented it, but He allowed it knowing we would be hurt. He allows us to be hurt and we ask, what kind of love is that to have the power but refuse to use it on our behalf to keep us from being hurt. Well the point is that these earthly hopes and dreams set us up to be hurt, not God. They compete with Him for our love and focus and we are unable to fully commit to His will while we are committed to our earthly life so arraigned. He is right and even kind to let them fail so that we can be free of them to fully give our self to Him. None of us wants to lose our mate but most of us will sooner or later. None of us wants to die even but we will and because of Jesus and His great love, we will go to be with God forever. If you are mad at God, then tell Him and tell Him how you feel too. Tell Him but be willing to let your anger go when you realize that He will never let you go and that He has a great plan for you. Oh yeah, this Wilson guy, that is not his real name. Bet you can’t guess his real name.
Al
