Marital Conflict

Part 1

Introduction
Marriage, the union of one man and one woman is the creation of God. In fact it is His greatest creation that He uses to exemplify the intimacy he desires with the human race. God uses marriage to demonstrate the blessings he offers to those who trust in Christ. God’s use of marriage for ministry makes it a target for the devil who seeks to destroy or pervert it. The devil’s attack on marriage is one of the reasons that marital conflict is so common and inevitable.

God designed the human soul and also designed marriage as the ultimate human fulfillment of our souls in this life. He made marriage to work with human souls made to be male and human souls made to be female. Contrary to modern thought, men and women are not the same in their souls and they do not experience marriage the same way. The design difference of male and female is another reason marital conflict is so common and inevitable.

This article will discuss the purpose of Christian marriage, the inevitability of conflict in marriage, God’s good purpose for allowing marital conflict, the Godly way to resolve it and finally marital strategies for minimizing conflict.

God’s Purpose for Christian Marriage

Eph 5:32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking about Christ and the church

In his discussion about Christian marriage, Paul brings it to an end by stating that it is a picture of Christ and the church. While he is talking about the mystery of marriage, he is really discussing Christ and His relationship with the church. Marriage is God’s provision for the whole human race, both believer and unbeliever. Man and woman in a love relationship, joined together for life in a legal marriage is a wonderful gift of God for all men. For those who never trust in Christ, their marriage will be their greatest blessing in their whole eternal existence. God’s purpose for Christian marriage, the joining of a Christian man and Christian woman is for them to illustrate the love of Christ for His church. It is an analogy where the husband illustrates Christ and the wife illustrates the church. As the husband loves his wife with unconditional love, he forms a picture of how Christ loves the church. As the wife respects and submits to the husband she forms a picture of the church following Christ into the work of the Father.

Christian marriage, forming a picture of Christ and His church is a ministry to all mankind and even the angels. It illustrates God’s love and desire for intimacy with all of His creatures. There is no greater image of God’s love than the loving and following in Christian marriage. This explains His extreme commitment to seeing Christian marriage endure and His strict guidelines for how it is to operate.

Marital Conflict is Inevitable
When 2 people join forces so totally that they merge every aspect of their lives as we do in marriage, conflict is inevitable. When man and woman join in marriage, they not only join their two persons but their families, their training, their backgrounds, their values and priorities. With every human being so different in all of these areas, it is inevitable that these different aspects of life will create conflict. When the different backgrounds and traditions meet one another in real life, conflict occurs. I remember our first Christmas with kids. My family had always played down the sanctity of specific days and times for gift giving and had very loose guidelines for when gifts were exchanged. In contrast, my wife’s family had always respected the different days and times, exchanging specific gifts at specific times. Her insistence that the children receive their gifts “assembled” on Christmas morning and not before, seemed a bit rigid to me with my relaxed attitudes about gift giving. Our differences about this issue led us into conflict during the holiday.
This occasion for conflict was only one of many to come as we continued our marriage relationship. We have conflicted over everything in life as we have faced every issue life holds, as is inevitable that we would because we are different in many ways.

God Allows Conflict for Good

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Surprised and Upset
At first, conflict is surprising and upsetting. It is surprising because we thought that our feelings of love would enable us to overlook every difference just to be with our beloved. It is upsetting because it makes us aware and even afraid that we could possibly lose the love we value so much. Without an understanding of conflict, its causes, solutions and even benefits, conflict can cause us to withdraw and take a defensive approach with our partner. On the other hand, with accurate knowledge of God’s design, we learn that conflict is meant to awaken us to our differences. God uses conflict to teach us that we can use it to learn about each other and use it to motivate us to work at our marriage.

Exposes our Differences
God uses conflict to expose our differences. When one tradition or value system meets the other in real life, conflict reveals that differences exist. Initially, we naturally defend our habitual way of doing things against any new idea even from our spouse. As we discuss and articulate both views, God’s first good goal is to force us to adopt healthy methods of communicating. If we fail to practice good communication, misunderstanding and then chaos will rule the home. Out of chaos we will be motivated to find mutual understanding and ways of discussing differences that build us up and not tear us down. God uses conflict in marriage to expose faulty methods of communication and to motivate us toward healthier ways of interacting.

Repressed Pain
This process can take time and we will discover that pain from the past can complicate it because we will project our past on to the present. The second good that comes from conflict is an awareness of repressed pain we often call baggage. When we are hurt in a relationship, our tendency is to stuff it down into our gut instead of acing it and resolving it with God. Repressing our pain causes us to carry the pain where it becomes our baggage. When we become aware that our spouse or our self is carrying baggage from the past, each of us can take steps to resolve our own pain from the past. As we successfully use God’s grace assets to deal with differences and pain from the past, we grow more confidant that God loves us and will act on or behalf. We could go on but I think you get the idea that marital conflict offers us the opportunity to grow within our self and in our relationship.

Conflict makes us aware of differences so that we can communicate well and find a compromise that satisfies both parties. When conflict occurs it often reveals hidden baggage from past painful relationships that works like a time bomb if not diffused. Conflict opens our eyes to issues that will hinder intimacy so that we can purge it and heal our hearts. Finally, conflict offers God the opportunity to demonstrate His love and care for us by showing us how to grow from adversity.

James 1:2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Conflict Offers Growth
Conflict exposes our differences and forces us to find new ways to think about life. It motivates us to let go of our false ideas and replace them with God’s view of life. The result is that our hearts are free from hurt and bitterness, enabling us to love more. God uses conflict to bring us to truth and truth brings us closer to God.

James explains that God uses adversity for our growth. As we trust Him and His word to solve our problems, we grow in or ability to trust Him even more. Every time God delivers us from or through our adversities, including marital conflicts, He proves that His word is more powerful than anything in life. Every time we come through conflict using God’s promises and principles, we grow in our love for God and for our partner. He proves that He loves us, loves our marriage and is personally involved in our daily life. Conflict, instead of being a problem is an opportunity for us to learn more about one another, for God to act in our lives and for us to grow in or love for Him and each other.

Check soon for Part 2