The Angry Dad

To his friends and co-workers, Andy was a walking bible dictionary. His knowledge of the bible and theology impressed everyone. He always had the answers to biblical questions and his family and friends looked to him for answers. Outside of his home, Andy was a big time Christian. Inside his home the story read differently. His wife and children had a different opinion of Andy’s Christian life. At home he was known as the angry dad and the abusive husband. His wife and kids walked around on eggshells never knowing when he was going to lose his temper and his grouchiness was legendary. Andy was filled with bible information but his ability to apply what he knew was anemic.

Andy knew that he was not doing well with his family and he hated that his heart was still dominated by anger. Every time that he lost his temper, he could see his daughter withdraw and her spirit close up. Rather than trust him, his wife had gotten quieter and more distant. She had begun to keep things from him. Little things like the kid’s bad grades or when the kids had gotten in trouble at school. When he confronted her about it, she shrugged and said, I knew you would blow up and I can’t stand how you speak to the kids when you are angry. Andy walked away knowing that something had to change and he also knew that the change had to be in his own heart.

Andy is not a bad man but he is an angry man. He loves his family and does many sacrificial acts for their benefit. He makes their living, keeps them safe and has promised to stay and never leave. There is much to recommend about him but he is hurting his family with his anger. Why is bible knowledge not enough to change him? When he started going to church, he thought that his faithfulness to learn the word would fix all of his problems. No matter how many times he has promised himself and his wife that he won’t get angry again, inevitably, under pressure, his real feelings come out.

When Andy came to the counseling office, he was very discouraged about his chances for change. I have tried very hard to get rid of my anger he said, but nothing has worked. I am afraid if I don’t find a way to change my behavior, that I will lose my family. My wife has threatened to leave several times when things got bad. If this scenario sounds all too familiar then let me suggest a few ideas that might help.

First, it is important to understand that God-Holy Spirit will not use knowledge of the truth to automatically change the heart. One of God’s primary issues in the life of a believer is what he/she chooses to believe and use for life decisions. What we choose to believe determines our eternal destiny and also our temporal destiny. Before the truth can be embraced as part of the heart, the lies related to the specific life issue must be removed. For example, the disciples of Jesus had to stop believing that He had come to become the king before they could accept that He came to die on the cross for our sins and be resurrected. Peter especially had a difficult time when the Lord announced the plan (Mat 16:21-23). Paul explains the necessity for taking off old, false beliefs before the truth can transform the soul.

EPH 4:22-24 YOU WERE TAUGHT, WITH REGARD TO YOUR FORMER WAY OF LIFE, TO PUT OFF YOUR OLD SELF, WHICH IS BEING CORRUPTED BY ITS DECEITFUL DESIRES; 23 TO BE MADE NEW IN THE ATTITUDE OF YOUR MINDS; 24 AND TO PUT ON THE NEW SELF, CREATED TO BE LIKE GOD IN TRUE RIGHTEOUSNESS AND HOLINESS.

Notice that Paul says that the old self (old belief system) must be put off as the first part of this renewing process.

Second, in order for Andy to remove the ideas that are causing his anger, he must determine the source of his anger. Anger does not occur in a vacuum and it is not just the result of having a sin nature. Anger always has a reason for its existence that is rooted in our old beliefs and ideas. When we become angry and especially habitually angry, we are drawing on old ideas and experiences.
When Andy opened up and talked about his past, he remembered some of the reasons why he was so angry. His father had abandoned the family when he was a child and he had seldom heard from him again. As a child, Andy always felt that he was the reason his father left. He was angry with his father for leaving and with himself for not being worthy for his father to stay. The flip side to his anger was the real root of his behavior, fear that his wife and children would also abandon him. Behind his anger was a gripping fear that caused him to overreact to anything that might threaten his family’s unity. Whenever Andy’s authority was challenged by his children’s disobedience, it felt like a threat. Any behavior that didn’t fall totally in line with Andy’s plan caused him to feel like he might be abandoned all over again. His fear of abandonment caused him to come down hard on any deviation from the plan. What looked like anger, was really fear.

Third, as Andy began to examine his own inner life, he was able to catch himself feeling fear and overreacting with anger. As he became more aware of his own thoughts, he was able to stop the fear/anger before it was expressed. When his children disobeyed or his wife challenged his decisions and he began to feel afraid, he was able to reject the fear and the childish logic behind it before he used it for behavior. Through prayer and inner awareness, Andy was able to isolate the lies he had believed when his father left. He had reached false conclusions about his father and himself and believed them. When he isolated these lies, he was finally able to eject them from his soul by refusing to believe them any longer.

Finally, when Andy rejected the lies, God-Holy Spirit (GHS) installed the truth into his heart. His fear/anger lost its power because the logic that empowered it was gone. It was replaced with God’s own logic that GHS used to give him peace and love. When Andy’s children challenged him, he no longer felt afraid. He knew that God was in control and his heart finally was transformed to believe it for application to life.

Andy is a believer that was willing to listen, look at his own heart and see his own lies. He was very skeptical at first about this process because it challenged what he had been taught in his church. He had never been taught about the necessity to recognize and remove his lies (put off old man). He thought that knowledge of truth by itself would fix his soul. When he was able to see the concept in scripture, he committed himself to the transformation process. You may also be skeptical about the need to put off the lie. Here are some verses that may help you see this truth. Note the taking off, laying aside idea in these verses.

EPHESIANS 4:22-24 YOU WERE TAUGHT, WITH REGARD TO YOUR FORMER WAY OF LIFE, TO TAKE OFF YOUR OLD MAN, WHICH IS BEING CORRUPTED BY ITS DECEITFUL DESIRES; 23 TO BE MADE NEW IN THE ATTITUDE OF YOUR MINDS; 24 AND TO PUT ON THE NEW MAN, CREATED TO BE LIKE GOD IN RIGHTEOUSNESS AND HOLINESS FROM THE TRUTH.

COLOSSIANS 3:9-10 DO NOT LIE TO EACH OTHER, SINCE YOU HAVE TAKEN OFF YOUR OLD MAN WITH ITS PRACTICES 10 AND HAVE PUT ON THE NEW MAN, WHICH IS BEING RENEWED UNTO FULL KNOWLEDGE IN THE IMAGE OF ITS CREATOR.

ROMANS 12:2 DO NOT CONFORM ANY LONGER TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD, BUT BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MIND. THEN YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TEST AND APPROVE WHAT GOD’S WILL IS– HIS GOOD, PLEASING AND PERFECT WILL.

HEBREWS 12:1 THEREFORE, SINCE WE ARE SURROUNDED BY SUCH A GREAT CLOUD OF WITNESSES, LET US TAKE OFF EVERYTHING THAT HINDERS AND THE SIN THAT SO EASILY ENTANGLES, AND LET US RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE THE RACE SET BEFORE US.

ROMANS 13:12 THE NIGHT IS NEARLY OVER; THE DAY IS ALMOST HERE. SO LET US TAKE OFF THE DEEDS OF DARKNESS AND PUT ON THE ARMOR OF LIGHT.

JAMES 1:21 THEREFORE, TAKE OFF ALL MORAL FILTH AND THE EVIL THAT IS SO PREVALENT AND HUMBLY ACCEPT THE WORD PLANTED IN YOU, WHICH CAN SAVE YOU.

1 PETER 2:1 THEREFORE, TAKE OFF ALL MALICE AND ALL DECEIT, HYPOCRISY, ENVY, AND SLANDER OF EVERY KIND. 2 LIKE NEWBORN BABIES, CRAVE PURE SPIRITUAL MILK, SO THAT BY IT YOU MAY GROW UP IN YOUR SALVATION,

Father, so many of us are filled with knowledge of the truth but have not been able to convert it into loving behavior in our realtionships. Without truth motivating our attitudes and actions, there is no impact for Christ. I ask you to give us all the courage to face our lies and replace them with the truth.

For those who want to hear a bible study related to the discussion of taking off old beliefs and putting on new beliefs, here is a link to a message I gave at Doctrinal Studies Bible Church in August 2003

Old man – New Man