Post 1: Absolutes and Alterations
Post 3: Section 1 God’s Purpose for the Christian
Post 4: Section 2 Designed for Compatibility
Post 5: Section 2 B – Completing our Human Needs
Post 6: Section 2C The Communication Process
Post 7: Review and Preview
Post 8: Section 3 Processing: The Divine Design
Post 9: Section 3 Processing Life 3A Trust Bonds
Post 10: Section 3B Building Blocks of Growth
Post 11: Section 3C Memory

This post is the tenth in a series titled “Transformation Workbook“.

So far in the TW, we have discussed God’s design of the human soul. What we are doing is preparing ourselves by understand how we built wrong ideas that cause us to be disoriented to God and His plan. Sections 2 and 3 explain the divine design of the human system so that we can see our minds at work and see how we build ideas out of experience. In the next section we will dig into the soul problems that came from the fall of man. For now, hang with me as we develop the mechanics of how we think. When we get to the solution phase of the discussion, the design and processing information will be critical as we explain how God changes our hearts to be like Christ.

This third section of the TW is concerned with the way God designed our souls to be influenced by our experience and process information. We bond with our loved ones and allow them to influence our hearts as we grow through the natural stages of human development. These stages from birth to death bring new challenges and call upon us to develop new ideas and skills. These stages are God’s design that inspires us to grow. It is out of our trust relationships as we experience different stages of life that we build our belief system. It is our belief system that determines everything about our inner and overt behavior. Before we enter the discussion of belief systems, we have to develop 2 important ideas. First we must understand memory which is the way we store our ideas and in the next article we will study egocentricity which is the total self centeredness that causes us to see ourselves as the center of the universe. First, we need to talk  about memory so that we can watch ourselves recall ideas as we react to new life events.

MEMORY – INFORMATION STORAGE

In this article we will discuss how memories are stored categorically, then that they are stored as images and words and finally we will look at an example of conflict ressolution using old man beliefs.

CATEGORICAL STORAGE

The mind and heart are designed to store information using categories like an office filing system. Like any organized filing system, the mind breaks different objects and experiences into categories. In fact, our minds categorize every aspect of our life experiences. We determine whether an object is soft/hard, new/old, mine/yours, good/bad, etc. We categorize events as similar/different, meaningful/meaningless, pleasant/miserable, etc. Everyone and everything in our lives is evaluated according to some category and the information we generate about each of them is stored that way in memory. When any of these persons or objects are brought to our attention, memory recalls them along with their characteristics and descriptions. An old friend is brought up under the category of a fun person, helpful person, meaningful person, etc. An old experience is brought up under the headings of difficult time, good time, learning experience, etc. Everything that goes into memory is placed into a file with a heading or a category. Some people, things go into several categories such as difficult time but also a learning experience. This is important to know because the transformation process requires that we look into our memory to find wrong ideas. One of the first places we look is in the file called painful experiences. Another application is for those in leadership roles such as teachers, husbands and parents. The conclusion is that information is best learned and remembered if it is communicated in some organized and categorical manner.

VISUAL & VERBAL PROCESSING

Faculties to See & Say
The human mind was created with faculties. As the body has organs that process food and metabolizes it into nutrition for body functions, so also the soul has organs that metabolize information for mental functioning. For example, Paul in Eph 1:18 talks about the “eyes of your heart” referring to our perceptive faculties. These metaphorical eyes are able to “see” memories and visualize ideas. God designed the soul with both visual faculties and verbal faculties. We see with our minds and we also process words with our minds. A common phrase used in the OT is “he said in his heart”, describing thoughts being processed by inner dialogue. In short, we talk to ourselves and say our thoughts to ourselves. All of our thoughts are processed both visually and verbally using images and words.

Mental Images

The mind creates and stores images from our life that are both real and representative. We can easily call up images of people, places and events from our past. We can retrieve an image of a person we once knew or a home in which we lived. In memory we also create images that are not totally accurate but represent real events and experiences. The mind creates representative images that envision the invisible and to mentally see principles and intangibles. Like Moses in Heb 11:27, we all create an image that represent the Lord who we have never seen.

Inner Dialogue

The mind also uses words and phrases to think and access memory. This process is called inner dialogue or self talk. When we plan, think or remember we talk to ourselves using words and phrases stored in our vocabulary. Inner dialogue is often used in conjunction with images where we talk within about what we see. From memory we call up phrases from our childhood and find ourselves using them like our parents from whom we first heard them.  An understanding of these methods of mental processing is essential for those who would learn to manage their own souls. We categorically store ideas in our belief system using images and phrases. As we grow through the stages of human development, we store our conclusions as images and phrases.

Old Man Visual & Verbal

Before we are saved, the conclusions and ideas we formed and stored were self serving and false. It is these false, self-centered ideas that build the old man belief and behavior system. All old man beliefs are built around the premises that my needs must be met, that I must find a way to meet them myself and that I can meet my needs through people. This corrupted system is responsible for our ongoing difficulty in fully doing God’s will. Its emphasis on serving self causes frustration and conflict in all of our relationships. Its false ideas cause us to adopt inept methods of relating that harm our loved ones rather than edify them.

Recognizing Old Man Images & Dialogue

To be transformed to be like Christ requires that we stop believing in and using these false ideas so that we can replace them with the mind of Christ. To take off the old man (Eph 4:22), we first must be able to recognize its ideas as they are called up from memory and used. Catching false ideas in the moment, as we start to use them is the only way to break the habit of using them.

Old Man & Self Deception

Recognizing the old man is not easy. Our false ideas don’t feel false, they feel right because we believe them. The ideas would never have become part of our “belief system” had we not believed them. Many old man ideas have been “our” ideas for many years and they feel natural and justified. Even our most corrupt, self-serving and destructive beliefs feel necessary for us to meet our needs and defend ourselves against the ferocity of the devil’s world. Jeremiah saw this and said it this way:

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

The old man is so self-deceptive that it operates within us without our knowledge. How can we come to know it so that we can lay it aside? We must look for its fruit in our lives and especially in our relationships. When was the last time you were frustrated and angry at someone you love? Can you recall what you were thinking the moment before you became angry? Can you recall the situation and then the image you saw in your mind and the words you said to yourself? Let’ describe how the process works.

Relationship Conflict – Anger & Manipulation

Each of us has stored images in our belief system that are our picture of how we think relationships are supposed to work. We all have an image for marriage, for children, for friendship, for success and for every aspect of life. When the situation in question occurred, you called up from memory the image that governs your idea of that relationship. In the situation, the person said something and/or did something that violated your image. Your mate said something that you interpreted as unloving or disrespectful because it didn’t match your image of how a mate is supposed to treat you. When your image was violated, you told yourself that the proper response was to feel hurt and angry. Christ would have interpreted the behavior as a person needing love, but we interpreted it as a threat to our needs. We tell ourselves that if we confront the person about their behavior and allow them to see how much it had hurt us, they would realize that they were wrong, care about our pain and change their behavior. Sound familiar?

Threat to our Needs

We programmed an idea as an image and the object of our need violated the image, threatening our chances of meeting our need. We believe that if the person cares, they will want to meet our need. We communicate their failure to feed our desire by confronting them with anger, thinking that seeing our hurt will motivate them to change their future behavior toward us. Question, how is this working for you? How is your old man relationship strategy working for you. No need to answer, trust me, I know.

Both have an OM Image

Both you and the other person have a stored OM image of how the relationship is supposed to work. Both of you consistently violate each other’s OM idea of what behaviors will lead to meeting your own selfish needs. When the violation occurs, OM inner dialogue tells you that manipulating the other with anger and pressure is the best or only way to move the other toward you. You create another image of anger and manipulation causing the other to suddenly realize their selfishness and deciding to make a change. Or you “imagine” withdrawing from the person to protect yourself from anger and to punish them for hurting you. Regardless of your preference of OM approach, you tell yourself it will work but it never does because it is all a lie.

Telling ourself Lies

In the scenario above, we saw and said a series of lies. We told the lie that your needs must be met, a lie that your mate can meet them, a lie that your image really is how relationships should work, a lie that anger, manipulation or withdrawal can induce them to love you and change. To be like Christ and love like Christ, we must stop believing the lies and believe the truth instead.  These lies are common to all OM belief systems. These lies are processed out of memory and into conscious use by visual images and verbal dialogue. When the situation occurs, the image immediately comes into the mind and we see it with the eyes of the heart. When we see the image, we begin to tell the lies within. We talk ourselves into taking the action the image requires.

Taking off Old Man – Putting on New Man

Recognizing the OM is accomplished, first by observing the results of using OM ideas. We hurt the ones we love instead of helping them. Any behavior that isn’t aligned with edification in Christ is coming out of OM beliefs. Second, we have to be alert for conflict situations and pay attention to the images and dialogue that comes into our minds when we feel angry. We work to see the images and hear the dialogue as they occur. Achieving this kind of awareness of self requires practice that will quickly bear fruit. Third, when you catch yourself making OM images and dialogue, you can interrupt the process by choosing to stop believing them. The only reason you followed OM logic was that you believed it was true, right or effective. When you catch yourself seeing/saying OM, you can then call it what it is, a lie that you refuse to believe any longer. Fourth, repeat the process again and again until the habit is broken. Finally, look to the Spirit to renew your beliefs by learning, believing and using the biblical principles that apply to the situation again and again until you build a new habit.

Summary

The OM builds and stores it ideas with images and dialogue. We see and say these ideas to sinfully relate to others. Watching for them, catching yourself in the act of using them and rejecting them by faith frees you from these particular OM ideas. Only then can we replace these false strategies with the truth from God’s word.

Father, I pray that you will motivate us to evaluate the true condition of our relationships. I ask you to show us who we are hurting and give us the courage to see ourselves in truth. Give us the love to want to change and the wisdom to know how to change. I thank you for giving the wisdom to see these concepts and for enabling me to communicate them. Please help those who hear or read these ideas with the ability to relate them to their lives so that we might truly change and become the light to the world.

View all posts in the Transformation Workbook series

This post is the eighth in a series titled “Transformation Workbook“.

Review
The Transformation Workbook (TW) is a study about how God changes a lost sinner into the likeness of His Son Jesus Christ. The study encompasses God’s purpose, our created pattern, how we process information to be reprogrammed, the great problems caused by the fall of Adam and finally God’s provision for transforming us into His own image.

In sections 1 of the TW we discussed God’s purpose for creating us, which is to glorify Him. I suggest you return to the beginning and read those sections if you are just now joining the discussion. Section 2 talked about our created pattern after the likeness and image of God, or our divine design. We discussed how God created us compatible for relationship, with needs that only He could complete and with a mind and heart so that we could communicate with Him.

Preview
We now are entering the third of the 5 sections in the TW. This section will discuss how God designed our minds and hearts to process our life experiences and relationships. In this section we will discuss bonding in relationships, the building blocks of human development and belief systems. Bonding describes the trust attachments we make in relationships that open us to influence. It is part of the worship instinct that God designed in us. The building blocks of thinking are formed as we go through the normal stages of human development from birth until death. Bonding in relationships as we travel through the stages of development works together to form a belief system that determines our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

BONDING – TRUST & ATTACHMENT – THE WORSHIP INSTINCT

Inner Longings
All of us are born into this life with a great need and longing for love, protection and the compulsion to totally trust someone. John 7:37-38 explains that God made us with a koilia Grk, an empty place out of which these longings for relationship originate. Jesus goes on to say that His provision for this “soul thirst” is to be indwelt and filled with the Holy Spirit, ie a relationship with God. At this moment, I encourage you to look within your heart and make contact with your own desire for love and intimacy. Along with these divinely designed needs, we are born with instinctive behaviors that drive us and enable us to meet these needs. In the first years of life we instinctively bond and attach ourselves to our caregivers trusting them to love us and provide for us.

Worship Instinct
God made man as a worshipper. He made us to have deep longings and to have a sense that we are unable to control our own lives. He also gave us the drive to find and attach ourselves to someone we think will love us and take care of us. The emptiness He created in us causes us to yearn for love. The immensity of life and our failure to control life conveys our need for help. The instinct to bond ourselves by attaching our hearts with total trust to some provider of love and protection is the instinct to worship i.e. the “Worship Instinct”. We worship anyone who we trust to meet our core needs, depend upon for life wisdom, for whom we feel a great sense of adoration and whom we conclude ourselves to be totally dependent. Trust bonds cause us to attach our needs, adore and become totally dependent on the object of or bonding.

Trust Bonds
The mechanics of trust bonding is found in Heb 4:1-2 which describes the mechanics of attaching faith to an object.

Hebrews 4:1-2 Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2 For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.

The writer explains that the Exodus Generation failed to benefit from the gospel that was preached to them because they refused to combine the message with their faith. The word combine is the Grk sugkerannumi meaning, to combine, to mix together, to unite, to attach. In this passage the trust bond they failed to form was with God and His gospel message. We form a trust bond when we attach our faith//trust in a person

Lets look at a series of principles to gain an understanding of this instinct to bond, which is part of worship.

Principles of Trust Bonds
1. God designed the human soul to be able to attach to others with trust. Attachment is a connection of one soul to another that occurs when we totally trust the person and believe they will meet our needs.

2. Babies instinctively form a trust bond with those who care for them. Attachment is driven by the need for love and need for stability & security. All babies are driven to bond with their caregivers. Born without God, our only option is to bond with people.

3. A trust bond is an attachment that opens the trusting soul to total influence. When we attach, we attach our faith/trust to the person to love us, treat us kindly and not abandon us. Attaching causes us to hold a high, adoring view of the person and makes us open and vulnerable to the influence of their beliefs, attitudes, expressions and behaviors.

4. This instinct to trust & attach is the instinct to worship someone or thing. Our bond is based on need and opens the core needs of our hearts that only God can meet. Connecting core needs is part of worship. Part of worshipping God is humbling ourselves and looking to Him to meet our core needs.

5. Children sense they are helpless and look for someone to fully trust. Babies are fearful and have no illusions about their own human ability being sufficient to keep them safe of provide their needs. This is the soul condition Jesus suggests to the disciples in Mat 18:3.

6. Children attach to parents, peers, mates, children and hopefully God. Children attach to people: first, parents who they look to like God; peers who become a primary source of influence; mates to whom we depend upon for love and hopefully God, if they are given a good model and choose to pursue God for themselves. I pray now that my children will understand their need and pursue God on their own.

7. We grant the objects of our attachments the power to influence us. Whosoever we trust with our hearts has great power to influence what we believe and great power to hurt us if they reject us. This is why “being in love” at an early age is usually a mistake that leads to a broken heart. Going steady in high school inevitably causes a bond to form that feels like a marriage. Add sex and the bond is complete. When it inevitably breaks up, the result is a broke heart that feels like a divorce and scars the soul

8. We naturally love and emulate those people to whom we bond. Our trust bonds open us to the influence of those to whom we bond. We naturally adopt the ideas and emulate the model they present to us. Children either believe what their parents believe or react by believing the opposite. Regardless, children will talk, walk and act like their parents and then their peers.

9. The consistent goodness & giving of parents with bonded children has a major influence on what ideas children adopt to form their belief systems. Children bond with parents. When parents treat their children with grace and love, children will want to be like their parents and follow their examples. They in turn will pass the same values and behaviors down to their own children. This is how the church builds a Godly nation.

10. The failure to be consistent, to be present, to be loving, to have an open soul, to train/teach, to provide, to communicate, to be affectionate, demonstrate integrity and to set an example of following Christ has a major influence on a bonded child’s belief system. When parents who have been mistreated themselves pass their hurt and anger down to their children, the same pain will be developed in their children. They in turn will pass their pain down to the next generation – Exo 20:5.

Importance of Bonding
One of the most important issues in our lives is the formation of trust bonds. To whom we attach our hearts and open ourselves up to will determine who influences our beliefs and how much unresolved pain we will carry into our adult life. When you ask yourself why you feel the way you do inside and why you have specific problems that seem to be a mystery, look back at your parents and your primary influences. You will often find that those you trusted the most are also the ones who hurt you the most. The reason for so much pain is that when we bond with someone and they break the bond through some form of betrayal, it causes us to feel knifed in our core. Trust bonds were not designed to be broken, like marriage, one of the major trust bonds, was not meant to end up in divorce. Broken trust bonds are the source of deep unresolved pain in most of the human race and a major hindrance to trusting God.

Influenced by Bonding
We almost always pick up the mind-set and ideas of those who were most dear to us. We also find ourselves emulating the relationship approaches of our primary caregivers. For example, when you were a child, you observed the way your parents related to one another. You made an image of each parent and their relationship and stored it deep in your heart. This image is called an imago by Harville Hendrix in his book, “Getting the Love you Want”. When you go to select a mate, you will compare your potential selections to these images. You will compare the way you relate to that person to the image of how your parents related. This is true even if your parents related horribly with one another. When you find someone that resembles one or both of your parental images, that person will feel very familiar to you. When you find another to whom you relate in a similar fashion as your parents related, it will feel like home to you. You will be strongly attracted to that person and their relating style, even if the whole situation is unhealthy. Perhaps you understand now how you ended up in a relationship that is similar to your parent’s relationship.

Trust – Worship God
The ultimate object of trust and worship is God. Only He is able to meet our core needs and only He will never fail to give us the perfect provision of unconditional love. When we bond with people with the idea that they can meet our needs, we always end up disappointed and disillusioned. We end up hurt and confused about ourselves and about how relationships are supposed to work. How many people do you know that are angry and jaded about love relationships? Most of us spend the rest of our lives trying to overcome the damage done to our souls through the trust bonds we make early in life. Our early bonds that we formed were beyond our control because God designed us to bond with our caregivers. It was Adam’s sin and the psychological damage it has caused in the whole human race that causes bonding to be problematic. If you are now an adult, you must make very wise choices about who you bond with and to what degree you allow the bond to impact you.

Overcome your Pain
If you are reading this and you are living with damage that came to you through the sins of your parents, do not give up or lose heart. God has made a way to overcome the pain and false ideas we built as children. Exchanging our old ideas we developed before we began to listen to God’s word for the principles of God’s own mind is the focus of life after salvation and the purpose of this workbook. It is my goal to present the “how to” of the transformation process. Stay tuned for the next installment where we will discuss the building blocks of our ideas that we put together as we go through the normal stages of human development.

Father, help us discern the deep longings of our hearts so that we might direct them toward you. Help us also to discern the unresolved pain in our hearts from the trust bonds that were broken by those we adored. Teach us how to rethink our disillusionment and tear down our self protective walls so that we can trust you with our whole hearts.

Questions for Self

1. Are you aware of your longings for love, acceptance, belonging, significance? These are your God give needs.

2. Istead of feeling your desires, do you feel nothing? Are you numb?

3. Do you remember how your parents related with each other?

4. Do you fid yourself attracted to someone who thinks and acts like one of your parents?

5. Are you in a relationship where you are recreating the parent image?

6. Are you willing to break your uhealthy habitual relating strategies?

View all posts in the Transformation Workbook series